Follow Her Red Shoes

 

There is no debatable way to say this, there are no political sides, there are no exceptions: Killing children in school is terrible, sad, wrong. Full stop.

Yet, the questions often left unanswered are: WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT? HOW DO WE STOP IT?

Having buried a child myself, I know what it’s like to miss her every day. I know what it’s like to read a children’s book to a tombstone. I know what it’s like to imagine her growing up….and know you will only ever imagine it, it will never be real, she will never return. Maybe it matters how you lose a child at some level – I mean, losing a child who is defending our country is certainly different than losing a child to cancer or being killed senselessly at a school. But at the end of the day, us parents grieve, miss, remember no matter how they rise to Heaven.

So I count myself among the parents who know the loss and feel compelled to protect our children – all our children. And yet, as a psychologist, I find myself asking…HOW?  It is easy to see that we are always trying to raise money for and do more research to improve cancer treatments. We feel good about our efforts. While we don’t save all children, we do feel that we are doing our best as a society to reduce the number lost. But when it comes to shootings, we feel more helpless, confused, and frankly, nationally divided.

The issue has become one about gun access rather than about mental health…and the distinction matters. It’s no surprise that parents of victims are beyond upset. They have every right to be. But, like in medicine, if we treat the wrong illness, we fail to improve the situation. If we take away guns, the kids make bombs.

It is absolutely imperative that we diagnose and treat the right problem. But how? Psychologists can only predict at a certain level of accuracy. Law Enforcement can only act on known threats, not perceived or anonymous ones. So then we turn to the only thing we can control: gun laws. Yet, there are many, many fully against sanctions in this area – why?

How do we balance the rights of our people? The second amendment grants the right to bear arms yet we also have a right to a safe education and a duty to protect our people. My instinct and my training run first always to the victim. No amount of sport justifies killing. Yet, I also recognize we could ban all guns in this nation and still have these deadly outcomes. I’m reminded of an earlier quote I wrote:

Access to weaponry makes destruction possible but it’s the mind that triggers the event…

We, as a nation, need to come together and understand both sides of the issue. While access is an enabling situation, it is the mental health of the person wielding the weapon that does the killing.

We need to be asking for mental health laws. We need to better understand how to identify issues in childhood. We need research dollars to improve treatments. We need law enforcement, attorneys, school officials, and our general public to be better informed, and we need to protect our people – both those who are not fully aware of their actions and those who are affected by them.

 

I send so much love to the families of the children taken last week. Our nation grieves with you. https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/15/us/florida-shooting-victims-school/index.html

 

Now the question is: How will we take action?

 

Photo credits: Element5, Nicola Tolin 

  There just aren’t enough threatening tigers to chase anymore and our people are left without enough outlets for their aggressions. I frequently tell a metaphorical story about a high speed training moving at a breakneck speed that is running toward a predictable outcome. You cannot simply stand in front of it and put up your hand and yell, “STOP!” It will, quite predictably, run you over. But this is most frequently how we handle so many issues – we try, oftentimes desperately, passionately, to explain to people why they must stop something – could be drugs, sex, relationships, or even war. But all of these things have a biological drive attached to them and because of that, humans will not stop just because you tell them to.

Redirecting behavior has the highest chance of success because it fulfills the underlying biological need but with a socially acceptable outcome.

So I reiterate the title and ask, “How do we use sports to avoid war?” We may not like it, we may not agree with it, we may not want to believe it but the bottom line is this: we need strife in our lives and the opportunity to expend our aggressive energy as well as heighten our arousal through competition. We also get the added bonus of a group of people being part of a winning “team,” even if that team is really an entire country.

Thus, essentially, if we can identify another activity that has the elements of war, at the biological level, we may not be able to stop it fully but we have a real chance at reducing the frequency and severity of it. In other words, we have a shot at saving lives.

We need a team – can be small or large, we need competition, we need people to win sometimes and lose sometimes, we need all people bought in so that even those not playing have a needed support role, we need the experience to add to our country’s and our personal story, and we need to feel part of something bigger than ourselves. “Idle hands do the Devil’s work.” We consider this point when we think of teenagers and keep them busy with work and afterschool activities to keep them out of trouble – and to keep them participating in the greater society. Why do we stop once we become adults?

It is not reasonable nor recommended to become a sedentary society that merely survives. We need to evolve into a society that thrives.

We need competition and outside of work and family goals. We need to take out our aggression on something other than politics, our children, our coworkers, and our spouses.The Olympics should be the pinnacle international competition but in sport and in spirit, we should have significantly more state-wide, nation-wide, and international competitions and they should be recognized at every level.

We as a whole nation need to learn the value of our people feeling fulfilled and having meaning in their lives outside of work and family. When we do so, we inspire people to be their best selves…and in doing so, optimize our nation’s power!

 

To be continued….

 

 

Photo by Simon Connellan, Olga Guryanova, Andre Hunter

 The athletes have worked incredibly hard and sacrificed so much to have the opportunity to compete at the Olympics. But at the same time, the specialness of this event is that it is also a platform where the athletes compete not only as individuals but on behalf of their nations. This reality is a double edged-sword, brining both great pride and energy to the athletes and fans but also inviting discussion of social and political issues around the world.

Is this a good thing? Or does it allow issues to overshadow the sports competition?

Only you can decide your position but I vote a strong YES to believing it’s good to have arenas where politics and social issues are brought to the forefront but outside the regular space in which they are discussed. It brings more people into the discussion and forces people to be calmer in their discussions than when they are in designated arenas for arguing. I would much rather see us be faced with the realities of our arguments, rather than just the need to prove we are right. You see, it’s too easy to feel the compulsion in an argument to have to win….and in doing so, lose the real purpose of the fight.

So when we have places and events that allow us to discuss and act differently about important issues, we should. Two gay American athletes shared their stories and their frustration with the current administration’s positions on social rights. North Korea sent Kim Yo-Jong, Kim Jong Un’s sister, as a representative of the nation. Additionally, North and South Koreans played together on the same team in women’s hockey. And athletes from around the world are getting to know each other and work together.

The nations that play together, learn to work together, and find ways to appreciate one another’s differences and talents.

Global stability is enhanced by increased global connections.

Thus, these events, and even the political and social issues they highlight, are enormously important and impactful to the progress of our world community.

Photo by Charles Deluvio, “My Life Through A Lens, Jerry Yu

When something isn’t working, we look for a new solution. When something is working not exactly well, but good enough, we say, “don’t fix what ain’t broke.” But what if we can do better? What if even though where we are today is good enough, what if we can make it better? Our Government ebbs and flows over the decades and even when we feel that we are in a high state of chaos, we are a strong nation and we have many safety measures in place, thanks to our founding fathers’ forethought.

All that said, I reiterate the question, “Can we do better? And if so, what would that look like? How would we get there?”

I argue, strongly, that we can, and I believe significantly so. Many of our adversaries are excited about the revolution the technology age has brought and are plowing forward to ensure their cities are progressing, their people are learning what they need to operate in the future world, and in many ways, the adversarial nations have an advantage over us – their people are all working toward a common goal. Namely, they work as a unit to support the state or the sovereign ruler. BUT – we have creativity, freedom of thought, and the benefits of diversity in our American Toolbox.

Inspiration will motivate greater than fear and result in better outcomes in nearly all circumstances.

THIS is why America is such a successful nation and it is why we have every reason to be hopeful for the future. So how do we inspire our country? Our politicians? Our neighbors? Our people? And how do we look at the problems over which we argue…but differently than we have in the past?

We start thinking and approaching them differently, that’s how.

For example, many are asking how we can sue the opioid pharmaceutical companies. But what if we additionally asked how we could leverage HUD to motivate life change and reduce addiction? Many ask about how we can bring back old jobs in our nation? But what if we developed a new education system that tied high school course work to specific jobs of the future both in and out of the U.S.? What if we allowed our next generation to be prepared for the jobs that will be available and also to bring new cash flow into our American market? What if we improved immigration relations through an underlying tax reform plan? What if we used telemedicine and no bed hospitals as well as modeling and simulation techniques to improve healthcare, while reducing the cost?

Rubik’s cube problem solving means stepping back, assessing the situation, and finding a new path, a better path, one that focuses on prevention over reaction.

I like to say, “Stop running from individual fire to individual fire. Step back, hire a marketing team, and create a cartoon bear that teaches people how to not start them in the first place.” THAT’s how real change occurs.

Photos by Clark Tibbs Andreas Klassen Xan Griffin

Ever heard the quote “speak softly, and carry a big stick”? It’s a quote from Theodore Roosevelt as he discussed his theory on foreign policy. At times, the willingness to not force change or prove one’s position but instead to allow it to evolve over time, can be very powerful. One might even argue that it’s more effective than working hard to convince someone of your beliefs. Why?

Few people in this world truly wish to knowingly be controlled.

We want to decide for ourselves what we think, what we believe is the right path, what we want to happen next. I think in most contexts, most people can understand this. But when it comes to politics, we often throw this understanding of basic human nature out the window. Why?

If we break it down, the most likely reasons people become so adamant about convincing others to think like them is 1. Deep affection for our nation and 2. Fear that if we leave the decisions to others, they’ll muck it up. Both points are reasonable and fair. When the world around us is chaotic, the normal person will first try to wrestle with it, control it….and if they exhaust every reasonable option, they will either give up or launch into hyper-drive. We’re seeing both outcomes in our society right now. The opposing frustrations felt by members of both partners are so high that the emotions have begun to blind many.

For some, it’s so infuriating yet they feel they have so little power to affect any of it that they just tune it all out. For others, they’ve turned to social media sites or marches to vent their frustration.

Oddly enough, both sides express the same goal…they want to do *something*. But I ask – as I have asked repeatedly, is venting the something that is actually impactful? Or is it just cathartic. Preaching to those who already agree with you isn’t going to change anything. And yet, the political energy and intent of these folks who are trying to find a path to support their position is not only measurable but to be honest, it’s exciting to see so many people fighting hard to save the nation we love so much.

Perhaps then what we need is not to analyze who is right or which memo we should consider or which candidate was the winner – but rather, perhaps we should focus forward and determine the metaphorical yellow brick road. What is the pathway to a more unified state? I struggle to imagine an argument against unity. So instead, we should be asking ourselves,

“What does that look like if it doesn’t look like one side caving to the other’s demands?”

Now *that’s* the right question.

To be continued…..

Something I’ve been observing is the shift from a one-size-fits-all “American Dream”, which treats life like a destination, to an experience that treats it like a journey. But additionally, I think there is another layer and it has to do with the finite goal, the proverbial “dream,” that apparently we all share. Yet, of course, we don’t. Ever heard someone say, there is no normal? I’m afraid that’s not exactly true…there is. Normal is defined by the normal curve, a statistical graph of how people act, think, believe, or look. In the middle of the graph (defined as 66 2/3% of people) is called “normal”. It’s where the majority of people agree on something, anything. Life is most commonly focused on people in this section. What I mean by that is that shoes are produced in a higher abundance to the normal size of shoes, school is paced to fit mostly with those in the normal range of intellect, and even joint “dreams” are born out of the most common set of beliefs held by those in the normal space. This makes sense for a variety of reasons but mostly because quite frankly, it’s where the majority of people preside.

BUT – when we value *only* those ideas, thoughts, beliefs, sizes, people, etc that lie within that normal space, we miss out on the exceptionalities of those who think, act, or believe differently. When we try to convince everyone to live and think the same, we are literally trying to compel them to live within the statistically normal range. Outliers tend to reject this notion, at times vehemently, why? Simply put, it goes against their true nature. Telling someone to be different then their true self will never work in the long run and the years spent trying desperately to conform, to fit in, to be approved of will not only hurt their personal development, but I would argue, our entire nation misses out.

You see, to be exceptional, is to be different. If we, as a nation, can learn to value those differences, instead of trying to control them…we will see brilliance shine. We will see a nation that runs like a well-oiled machine. We will see the best and the brightest leading the way.

And remember…every single one of us has something that is exceptional, we just have to find it and have the strength of character and fearlessness to share it!

Inspirational story:

Peter Diamandis is a founder/co-founder of the XPrize Foundation, Singularity University, Human Longevity, Inc. and Planetary Resources. Dedicated to the radically optimistic ideas of #abundance and teaching humanity to be #bold, Peter builds and leads teams whose goal is to improve the lives of at least a billion people. A kid who wanted desperately to be an astronaut, Peter was undeterred when he realized that the odds against realizing that dream were slim. Propelled by his belief that there are no limits, he started a contest that ultimately made private space travel a reality, and in the process created a platform to encourage innovators to solve billion-person problems. Hear Peter discuss his personal philosophy here.

Photo credits: Rob Curran Ashley Knedler Roman Kraft 

The greatest assets of our nation are diversity and creativity because differences in thought, background, experiences, and beliefs bring to bear the greatest number of ideas for solving any problem. It also means, you have the best ability to question and optimize your ideas or solutions. Further, when you add a dose of creativity to the mix, the most effective solutions are expected. THIS is why researchers work in multi-disciplinary teams. Doing so increases the probability of getting the best answer to any problem.

Expanding that point across the entire nation means we have the best opportunity in our country to capitalize on our diversity and use it as a competitive edge internationally. Yet instead, we focus so much on proving we are the best that we handicap our abilities to achieve.

It’s not about proving ones opinion, it’s about finding the right answer.

The notion that someone is willing to cut off their nose to spite their face acts as a perfect metaphor to the compulsive need to be perceived as one who generates the good ideas rather than the one that cultivates them. In too many cases, people are willing to achieve a lower standard simply in order to obtain full credit for the marginal result. Wouldn’t it be better to work together instead of against each other?

“It doesn’t make sense to hire smart people and then tell them what to do; we hire smart people so they can tell us what to do.” – Steve Jobs

Pulling that thread….consider inspiring your neighbor, your friends, your family, the strangers around you to share their great ideas rather than spending your energy trying to convince them of your own. If we can better capitalize on the diverse brilliance in this nation by creating national level conduits for sharing ideas, we can innovate at a much more rapid rate and propel our nation, and our world, forward. We don’t have to be the best at everything, we have to recognize the best and incorporate them into our solutions.

Photo Credit: Eneida Hoti  rawpixel.com

 There is no them. – Patton Oswalt

We hear it in parenting all the time: “We are a united front.” Why do we say this? Why do parents believe it? Why do we try to work together, compromise, when we disagree? Because at the end of the day, it is better to lose the battle than to lose the war. In this analogy, winning the war means raising a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child. Losing the battle means one or both parents have to acquiesce in their parenting style in order to achieve the harmony required for the child’s best development.

How are we, as a nation, any different? We stand by and watch as congress chooses to divide on issues so much so that when the budget isn’t passed, the Government shuts down. This is what I call:

“Divorce Court: Where everybody loses.”

And this is what is going to happen in our nation if we don’t stand up and unite. We must connect across our people, across our differences in backgrounds and belief systems, and across our nation in order to continue to be the world leader we claim to be. There is no disputing it – all of the other big countries are rushing forward with digital and cyber progress. They may not have the freedoms we do but they have the drive and unified goal to progress. If we dare to underestimate the motivation, abilities, and resources of other nations, we handicap our ability to maintain our global status. We hinder our nation, our people.

Jesse Jackson once stated, “Leadership has a harder job to do than just choose sides. It must bring sides together.” And yet….*we*, the people of the United States of America….must also choose to come together. It is as much our job to unite as it is leadership’s job to show us the path…

Think about it. How often do we feel annoyed, irritated, frustrated, or mad at people for actions or decisions that we feel are substandard? Do we pause and consider what we might do in their shoes? And I don’t mean if we had a clear head, unlimited time, all the resources we need at our fingertips, and clarity of how things will turn out. I mean….do we put ourselves fully into others’ shoes before passing judgment? Do we try to fully understand ourselves and the pull or confusion we might feel if we were them? We have become so quick to judge others and why? What is the driver? What are the triggers? And how do we get past this national level strife that seems to have invaded our country?

“Think like the enemy” is a concept used in the military to help our personnel better recognize and understand the adversary while in combat. It is based on the idea that if you can better imagine the situation from their perspective, you will also be better able to anticipate their actions. But what if you apply that same principle to understanding your neighbor? Understanding how he or she thinks and feels may very well make it easier for you to understand why they say or do things different than you. But why would you bother to do this? Life is busy enough and frankly, feeling like we have all the answers is empowering and benefits the ego.

Unfortunately though, it weakens our society, our people, our education, economic, and political edge over our adversaries. We are a nation that depends on one another, not because we want to but because we have to. We all need roads and schools and banks and an economy that is stable. We need a defense force and a Government that feels empowered, enabled, and motivated to work for us. It is not necessary to agree with your neighbor, but it is to our country’s benefit if you can understand them and accept them. In doing so, you increase our ability to share and capitalize on the best ideas our nation’s people can produce. You increase the probability that workers will be focused on economic growth, rather than intra-fighting, and you improve our reputation globally – which, in turn, allows our Government to be more effective and our military to face fewer combat events.

Avoid surface level understanding of others – or your assumptions may be our downfall. As Machiavelli said:

“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.”

Avoid this trap and along with it, empower our nation.

Photo credits:  Jose A. Thompson, GoaShape, Nick Beswick

It’s like a card trick: Pick an issue, any issue. Pick a Twitter account, any account that focuses on politics….and I can show you hyperbole, discord, anger, offensive accusations…etc. etc. Look, politicians are humans. They make mistakes. They say things wrong. They are afforded no leeway, however. Would we rather robots in office?

We make it outrageously expensive to run for office…then complain that only the rich run. We literally destroy people’s families and pick apart their personal lives as if they are a piece of meat thrown to wolves….and yet act surprised when only those bold enough to care little, if at all, about peoples’ opinions are the only ones willing to run. We complain, complain, and complain until we run out of light in the day…and then act surprised when our politicians become frustrated, tired of dealing with the discord, and those we often feel are most qualified to run, refuse. In many ways, Americans, we have gotten exactly what we’ve asked for – we get rich politicians who make policies for themselves, or that promote their personal agendas, and who are very disconnected from the rest of us living in regular society.

Now the right question: How do we attract the right people for the jobs? How do we do a better job recruiting for these positions? Because make no mistake about it, *WE* are the customers, the hiring agents, the recruiters. Ergo, *we* must take it upon ourselves to ensure we hire the right people for the positions that affect us all so much. But how??????

Simple: Recruit and hire people just like we would any other job.

Step 1: DEFINE the position. What does this position actually require? Running for office is not just a popularity contest – or at least it shouldn’t be. So what are the skills and experience needed to be an excellent politician?

Step 2: Seek out individuals that fit those descriptions. DO NOT simply wait to see who is available and willing – RECRUIT the top talent. Attract them. Mentor them. Encourage them.

Step 3: Determine what training, if any, that they need. No one goes into a job and doesn’t receive training, we should expect nothing different for our politicians. We need to help them learn the aspects that are specific to the position and those areas where they need personal skill support.

Step 4: Make the job enjoyable, desirable, and pay well. In what universe does someone want to take a job that pays low, is terribly stressful, involves negative feedback daily, and posts every part of your personal life on TV? Oh my word! No one wants a job like that! Instead, consider making this a worthwhile position that will attract more people than those that are self-serving and tough enough to withstand the horrible treatment we impose.

By no means am I saying all politicians are self-serving, self-promoting people. Rather, I’m saying that we act in ways that decrease the probability that the people most qualified will be willing to run. I’m also not saying all Americans treat politicians poorly. Many are treated very well by constituents. I’m simply saying that the issues that exist can be affected by our actions more than we give ourselves credit.

We are more powerful than we think….we must act like it.

Photo credits: Patrick Brinksman, Dmitry Rafushny, Aaron Tejedor