Follow Her Red Shoes

Our minds are amazing but we still have limitations. We push ourselves, our bodies, our time, our family, our money, our cars – we push them all in various ways to the very edge of what can be handled. We are constantly chasing the ability to squeeze out just a little more efficiency, a little more anything. But our minds and bodies force us to stop, to abide by our limitations because if we don’t sleep, don’t take care of ourselves, don’t maintain not only physical health but also mental health, we break down.

The mind has a natural ‘shut off’ button, if you will. Without it, we would overflow with incoming information. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), for example, is the mind’s way of shutting down memories that are too horrific to be maintained in daily thought. Unfortunately, these memories, though repressed, still surface unexpectedly and cause many issues for those that suffer from this disorder. But we often assume only extreme stress can affect the mind….and when we do, we are wrong.

When overloaded, the mind will focus on the clearest, easiest, most familiar information. I like to say – we focus on what we know, who we know, where we know. But what happens when this is not the information to which we need to be attending? What happens when we miss the important points? What happens when we are so overloaded by the chaos around us that we focus only on ourselves?

Take this test. Watch the video and test your ability to see the world that’s presented to you…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTv4yD6BKlA

Did you see it? Or was your mind overwhelmed? Now imagine this idea in your everyday life…

In a country where information and data are surrounding its people all the time, everywhere, we would predict that the citizens would, out of necessity, focus almost entirely and exclusively on their closest surroundings, on people most familiar to them, and on information that is easiest to understand. Further, they would be expected to reject, possibly vehemently, anything that is different looking, from an unfamiliar location, or that is confusing or too complex. With the size, number of people, and diversity of thoughts, background, experiences, and beliefs of our nation, complexity is guaranteed. And as a result, our minds will crave, and possibly even force us, to focus on our closest surroundings and people that look, act, and think like us.

The right question then is: How do we empower our people to focus on the right information for growth instead of the most familiar information to maintain a feeling of safety?

To be continued….

Is life perfect? Do we believe the messages of hope and grandiose goals? Do we believe there is a destination, a proverbial American Dream? To be honest, I did and now I don’t. That sounds depressing, right?

Perhaps it is or perhaps it reflects a maturation, a change in outlook, a reframe of country and personal expectations.

The world is not made up solely of sunshine and roses. Even in my beloved Florida, I wake up to 30 degree dark dreary days sometimes. Likewise, no matter how happy you are yourself or how perfect your life seems, there is no ability to avoid all struggles, bumps in the world, detours – heck, even u-turns at times!

Growth does not occur during moments of brilliance but instead during moments of darkness.

Is this true or just what we tell ourselves in order to endure and maintain hope? In truth, it’s the latter. We can learn plenty during good times in our lives. But it feels good to say there’s a silver lining to our pain and suffering because it brings meaning to the experience. There’s no evidence to support this notion, and more to the point, there is much evidence to the contrary. So if that’s the case, why do we have to live through dark periods? What is the benefit to us?

I often say: I don’t believe there is a reason for everything but I am willing to learn from every experience.

If we can’t stop lemons from growing, then at least we can make lemonade out of the ripe ones, right? The question to ask oneself is: What can I learn from this experience and where can I go from here? When I buried my daughter, it was, without question, the hardest day of my life. In that moment though, I had two choices, grieve forever and martyr myself as a mother that lost or honor her memory with happiness and light. I chose the latter. It’s not that I never cry and miss her but 99% of my time spent thinking about her or doing things in her honor are done with a smile and a joy that few would realize in this situation. I *choose* to believe that when I smile, it doesn’t mean I’m not sad she’s gone, instead it means, I’m glad I knew her and I’m happy to remember her.

We have choices in our life experiences….we can be overcome by worrying about the bumps in the road that not might, but will, occur, and work ourselves to the extreme to try and control everything in an effort to avoid certain disaster. But spending one’s life trying to reach the peak of a pre-defined mountain instead of letting the train meander its way around it, guarantees you will miss the most beautiful parts of life, rather than ensure you reach the dream.

Live, experience, let your life reveal itself and you will likely find a path much greater than you could ever imagine on your own.

Trying to stop a moving freight train is basically an impossibility but the option to redirect its trajectory creates the opportunity to avoid a predictable destination.

The necessary things to know though are: What are you doomed to hit and where would you like to land instead?

This metaphor is useful in so many decision making cases that I use it in many of my talks and in much of my life. Too often we tell people that their decisions, their ideas, their plans, etc. are no good and they should stop. We say, stop smoking. We say, be abstinent. We say, don’t eat junk food, don’t over spend, don’t overshare on social media.

There’s a saying in psychology that goes something like, “Don’t should all over yourself.” The reason is because when we focus on what we shouldn’t do, we are still focusing on it. Instead, we have to redirect our behavior in order to be effective in avoiding a known problem. Eat carrots, buy X items this shopping trip, share in these topics only on social media.

We are basically trying to help you trick your brain to do the things you want it to do and avoid the things you don’t. Now let’s apply the same principal for change to social media oversharing. To quote my earlier article, the problem we face is this: “oversharing can lead to too much information being posted about a person that, in the future, will hinder them from jobs, relationships, opportunities. It doesn’t allow people to grow and change.”

So oversharing is defined as posting pictures or information that make us look like we a) lack self-control, b) lack good decision making skills, and/or c) are overly angry or hateful.

Any one of these will give them impression of immaturity or an inability to function and will create the possibility of hindering growth, affecting job placement, or reducing others’ willingness to trust us. But telling people to stop posting in these three areas is as likely to succeed as standing in front of a freight train with your arm outstretched yelling STOP!

Alternatively, we should clarify what *is* beneficial. A good set of guidelines to follow are to ask oneself, is my post: self-enabling for growth, self-promoting, and/or positive toward others? If the answer is yes, go for it. If the answer is no, change it. If the answer is I don’t know – ask someone to read it before you post. And most of all, remember the old adage:

Less is More. Be real, be cautious, be aware. These are the best ways to ensure sharing is helpful to life, and not hindering it.

Photo credits Michael Mroczek  Rodion Kutsaev  Kristina Flour

Every year, I learn something – at times, that “something” isn’t something I wished to learn but I find that life comes regardless of our plans, preferences, or even our best efforts to control our world. THAT was one of the toughest lessons I learned – over many, many years. But for this year, I learned an incredible number of things I actually wanted to learn, and for that, I am truly greatful. I learned much about our Government and political system. I learned how much I love traveling the world. I learned how important it is for me to do my daily workout – it keeps me centered and my brain active. I learned how valuable it is to find “your kind,” or those people who really understand you. I belong in the real life version of The Big Bang Theory – I am, at my truest core, a geek who loves being with people who challenge me as much they love me. But most of all, I found my passion and THAT is an incredible thing to find.

For me, finding and solving problems for our people, our nation, our world is about the most invigorating experience I have ever had. I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me to explore these areas and particularly to help solve really hard problems. In my personal world, I’ve finally realized a dream to write on a regular basis about what I see, what I know, and in a way that reflects my view of the world. My ultimate hope is that these ideas, this energy, all converges into a single goal. My UNIFY USA Project (see my Facebook page) is the culmination of all these interests and while I hope it starts a movement of people in our country walking in the same direction, metaphorically speaking, and doing a better job understanding and respecting each other’s differences….

True happiness comes not from the acknowledgement of others but rather, the personal pursuit of those things that keep one up at night…thinking, questioning, rethinking, and strategizing.

It doesn’t matter if you love skateboarding or marketing or cyber security or problem solving – whatever it is – pursue it will earnest and your life path will unfold before your eyes…

HAPPY 2018 AMERICA! May this year be more invigorating than the last! Be fearless, be passionate, be yourself.

–Love,

*Photo Credit: NordWood Themes  Ian Schneider

In a recent article by Google, there was a discussion about the younger generations’ seeming need to overshare via social media. I believe this is a major issue we need to help our youngsters better understand and navigate. Why? There are two major issues that surface when humans share intimate details about themselves without filter.

First, the compulsion to overshare is laced with a) the need to please and impress others and b) the need to maintain constant attention. Both of these reasons will predictably lead to people living in a revolving emotional rollercoaster where they are both controlled by others and where motivation is externalized. The result? Higher rates of depression and anxiety are expected in the long term and when it is pervasive across a society, the impact to decision making, personal motivation and effectiveness, as well as health will be severe.

Second, oversharing can lead to too much information being posted about a person that, in the future, will hinder them from jobs, relationships, opportunities. It doesn’t allow people to grow and change. The implications could be massive if our younger generations are recording every action, thought, experience and as a result being defined, constrained by their younger selves. Can you imagine if all your missteps in life were recorded and available to all to see forever? How might that have changed who you are today? How might that have stifled your personal growth? We all need the ability to reinvent ourselves and we need to help our youth respect their older selves.

We need to take a stand as a society to help our youth understand the distinction between privacy and hiding information. It is reasonable and appropriate to refuse to answer questions or requests from others when those requests are too personal. We need to help draw that line for them so they know how and when to say no. Most importantly, we need to support privacy instead of bullying and punishing people who refuse to answer or respond. As a society, we assume the worst when people say something is none of anyone’s business. But the reality is that if we don’t start empowering our people to say exactly that, with confidence, we guarantee a downstream loss of national maturity, mental health status, innovation and progress.

Traditions have been around since the beginning of time and are present in every culture, every religion, every society…why? Traditions have stood the test of time and circumstance because they serve a very important function in a society, they bind people together, create a common experience, and create a rhythm to life. There is an interesting underlying impact to the body as well that likely helps perpetuate these events. They serve as a forcing function for pausing from everyday life, spending time with family, friends, and experiencing moments of happiness.

But in a nation as diverse as ours, it becomes more challenging to honor everyone’s beliefs and traditions. And as a result, further affects our struggle as a nation to feel connected – to feel united. So the question during this multi-holiday season is…how do we honor the different traditions, ideas, beliefs we have in America while also finding a way to celebrate together as a unified whole?

My husband often says Merry Festivus to everyone, recognizing there is no possibility of being politically correct, and instead embracing the goal of wishing people a happy winter season without referencing any one particular religious belief or personal preference. I think he may be on to something here. Perhaps it is not necessary for us to celebrate, experience, or live the same way, same celebrations, or same journeys – but instead to acknowledge, honor, and respect one another’s differences with the same recognition. On that note…

MERRY FESTIVUS TO ALL!!

 We’ve all heard the adage – aspire to “live the American dream” – but what it was is perhaps not what it is today.

Though, do we even know what it has become? Do the younger generations see the “Dream” in the same way our older generation does?

The dream that so many people of my age and older were taught was to grow up, get married, have a job and a house and a family and a dog. The white picket fence would be a true plus and in my area of the world (southeast), I was hoping to stay home with my kids, adore my husband, and have holidays with lots of decorations and selling baked goods at the elementary school…and then eventually be the house my children and their friends want to hang out at as the “cool house”….and once the children leave for their ideal college, begin my life as an empty nester ready to help around my community and be ready for grandchildren. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I have a job, a house, a family, and a dog. But uhhhh……nearly none of the rest came to fruition. We are a chaotic family, traveling all over the world, working, studying, and chasing….what? What is our goal? Where are we going? Where are you going? At my age, I can laugh. I mean, whatever I dreamed as a child was attempted but largely failed…and yet, I adjusted and I am happier for it.

But I spend a fair amount of time wondering – what does the next generation want? My kids don’t crave money or houses or even children of their own. All these things add responsibility and limit their abilities to experience life as they wish.

Even for Christmas and birthdays, we now give experiences more than things. We preach that growing older means one needs to accept more responsibility, more dependencies, grow upward in a company. But is any of this true? Is this the “dream” we all believe….now?

This is not one I’m going to answer immediately. Instead I’m going to start a series of highlighted stories. I’m calling it Thursday–Dreamday and I’m going to feature stories on my Facebook page of people fulfilling *their* American dream. I’m eager to see how their experiences weave together to make our nation whole, diverse, interesting, and inspiring. I’m interested to see if there is a new dream that we share, but don’t yet realize. Join us at the UNIFY USA Project and let’s see where this journey takes us….

Photo Credits: D Neyozhai, D Topkin, S Schneider, A Navarro

Pizza, cider, a white board wall, and a room of geeky friends = an awesome night of problem solving, intellectual banter, and mind blowing ideas that can change the world. Well, at least in my head this is a really fun night. I’m not sure everyone enjoys spending so much time solving large scale strategic problems but I find it invigorating. It’s like figuring out a not-yet solved puzzle and finding out that the picture is totally different than you expected.

What energizes you? What keeps you up at night that makes you so excited you can’t sleep? Finding ones passion can seem like a daunting task but there is an actual method for how to do it that doesn’t just involve aimless wandering through life without any idea when or how you’ll find your way. The method is like this:

First, try many different experiences. Second, watch yourself in each of these experiences. Do any of them make you feel like you have more energy? Do any of them spur you to ask questions? Want to learn more? Want to talk to other people about it? It doesn’t have to be the entire experience – only a portion. It’s like a breadcrumb. Once you find a small part you like, follow it to another. Every time there will be more to search but each time you will be closer and closer to those experiences that energize you.

Passion is defined as those experiences and topics that make you feel more alert, more alive when you do them.

Everyone has a relative passion. Find it. Be fearless in your pursuit of those energizing experiences. Trust that you will find a way to fund your passion and your ability to have work-life balance will be greatly increased. Your mental and physical health will thank you.

 

It’s coming, the metaphorical bullet train that will bring significant changes to the way we operate in our day to day lives. Unlike the little engine that could who brought candy and toys to the children on the other side of the mountain, the gift of data will be invisible, odorless, chaotic, and manipulative.

The age of personalization is being branded as a utopia where everything is about YOU.

When you walk into a store, items you might like will be highlighted. You’ll wear glasses that will augment what is in front of you with information like price for clothes or information about a place you are visiting. Students will have personalized learning pathways in school that move at their pace and provide them learning experiences all the time, everywhere. Medicine will be revolutionized as your diagnostic and treatment plans are all focused on helping you get well faster….and without having to even go to the doctor most of the time. So what’s the downside? There are several.

First, once you are only getting pieces of information, even if they are picked especially for you, you have to wonder, What are you missing? What isn’t being shared with you? Realize that if someone or something can give you only ‘some’ information, they have the power to dramatically control your thinking and actions.

Second, the world is already becoming ME-centric…but what happens when the world really is only about you? What happens when we don’t interact directly as humans but instead entirely through technological devices? What happens to humanity? Helping behaviors? Raising of families?

Third, the influx of extreme amounts of data into the brain is expected to have serious consequences to one’s psychological well-being. Imagine when you are at the gym and on the treadmill. In front of you are 10+ TVs all playing simultaneously the news, the reality shows, etc. When you see all that at once, and you can’t turn it off, it hyper-stimulates the mind and can have deleterious effects like increased heart rate, changes in brain chemicals, and mental overload. These effects translate to expected higher rates of depression, anxiety, paranoia, and increased difficulty focusing, listening, and assimilating new information. Decision making effectiveness, at the national and international level, is expected to decline.

So what do we do about it?

We need to consider ethical requirements for technology connectivity and the ability of people and organizations to push information to us. We need to be wise consumers of the new gadgets and gizmos – recognizing that with their benefits also come drawbacks. We also need to get serious about mental down-time. We preach work-life balance…but generally speaking most people just preach it, they don’t do it.

Resting the mind is the single most important thing you can do for your body, your work, your children, and your life. Breathe, smile, listen, focus, be calm. This future chaos will figure itself out but how long that will take depends on us.

Unbeknownst to most, depression is usually felt by those who see the world accurately. This is a psychological phenomenon that was found unintentionally. Researchers set out to show that depressed individuals perceived their world worse than it really is – but what they found, was the opposite.

Happy individuals see the world through rose-colored glasses. They leap, metaphorically, from one wave top to the next without deeming it worth their time to explore, or even acknowledge, the troughs. They are rewarded with energy, positivity, increased work productivity, and more friends. Yet, in fact, their minds reside in a world that doesn’t actually exist. The question is: Does it matter?

We scream and fight over the points of reality versus perception and opinion. We demand others see the world through our eyes. We require people to appreciate data. But what is the point? What is our goal?

We claim that we “just want our children to be happy,” but is that really true? What cost are we willing to pay to ‘be happy’? Are we willing to skew reality and tell ourselves lies to achieve a state of happiness? Are we willing to reject others’ suffering so we can avoid the troughs of the world that might bring us down? Are we willing to live in squalor and run our lives without thought, being driven by our impulsive desires of immediate joy?

And more to the point…what happens when a whole nation abandons reality? Truth? Data? What happens when we make up our reality?

Momentary happiness becomes the currency of the day….but at the cost of long-term success, societal structure, and a transcended mind that both accepts the world as it really is while appreciating the beauty in the journey of life.